Boxer Briefs, Scourge Of The Seven Seas

Quick factoid about Der Beschissene Kapitän: I originally stopped pulling down my pants to piss when I was 6.

It was right about that time when I started using the dick flap on my briefs. I liked to go through. It was comforting. Not only that, but it was convenient. Especially when I started wearing a belt on a regular basis.

Then I moved to boxers. There was zero transition because boxers have the dick flap too. No problem.

So recently I figured I'd try boxer briefs. They were a comfy fit and very flattering. I thought I had found a new stage in the evolution of my underpants.

Then I went to the bathroom.

And everything came tumbling down around me.

No dick flap.

What?! I thought perhaps I had put them on backwards. Silly me. After a few moments of uncomfortable de-panting in a public stall I learned that, indeed, I did have the damn things on correctly and that, indeed, they had no dick flap.

This was confusing as boxers have dick flaps and briefs have dick flaps. It would make sense that any combination of the two would also possess a dick flap. Was there some recessive gene their offspring inherited? Were the underwear companies aware of this massive mistake? Or maybe I had just purchased an anomaly, a rare set of drawers that made it through quality control without someone noticing the beloved dick flap had been forgotten.

But, no. Every boxer brief I found was sans dick flap.

As I shared with you in the beginning, I stopped going over at 6. And I'm not about to start again a quarter-century later.

So, thank you, boxer briefs, you comfortable and heartless sons of bitches, but I will no longer be needing your services.

Olympic Village Life Would Be Awesome

I have always wanted to stay in the Olympic Village.

Not because it would mean that I would be one of the world's peak athletes living and mingling with more of the world's peak athletes while we competed at the pinnacle of amateur sports, no.
I've always wanted to stay in the Olympic Village because of the crazy-ass partying that probably goes on. I may not be a world-class athlete but I am a world-class partier. I can hang with the best of them, holmes.

Did you hear about the Village of the 2000 Summer Games? Only one of the most fantastical parties that was ever partied in the history of partying.
I have a journalist friend who covered the Games that year and he described it as a 336-hour rave. "If you multiplied Burning Man by the square root of a Roman orgy, you'd have Sydney," he said.

I deeply regret I missed it.

Beyond the feting, think of all the beautiful snatch that would be flitting around.

I don't know about you all, but I loves me some foreign ladies. I would totally be chasing after one or two of the Polish volleyball players. I saw a Chinese badminton player that was super-cute in her outfit. There was an Italian diver I couldn't stop watching spin and twirl. And I would probably try to date the entire Norwegian handball team...at the same time.
Two pole vaulters, a Russian and an American, were exchanging harsh words. I would like to try and broker a peace deal between the two in my bathtub.

By the time the Olympics were over my junk would see more representatives from different countries than the United Nations. I'd even rename it Kofi Annan (which, trust me, is ten times better than its current moniker).

I'd get no awards to brag about. But, at the end of your life, what's more important to have experienced - winning an Olympic medal or nailing a chick who just won an Olympic medal?
You try both and tell me what you think. Me? I'm erring on the side of nailing.

I'll be waiting to hear how it went in Beijing this year. The Chinese fucked up the giant party palace that was British-controlled Hong Kong so I'm guessing they can probably do the same to the Olympic Village.

That gets a big "Boo" from me.

...Is Stupid

I think a lot of things are stupid.

I'm also pretty vocal about exposing the inherent stupidness found in many things.

That said, one of the recurring features you will see in this blog are posts sharing with you, the reader, stupid things.

You'll know these posts by their titles.

Don't mistake this for my gimmick because this is the first post. Didn't you know that calling things "stupid" was the reason blogs were invented?

No, my gimmick is being a very horrible sea captain.

Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm a pretty bad captain all around.

When I was captain of the local softball team we lost a lot. And when I played Captain Willard in a stage version of Apocalypse Now the boat put on a few years back I was panned by the critics.

So I guess this blog title is appropriate across all aspects of my captainly life.