Quick factoid about Der Beschissene Kapitän: I originally stopped pulling down my pants to piss when I was 6.
It was right about that time when I started using the dick flap on my briefs. I liked to go through. It was comforting. Not only that, but it was convenient. Especially when I started wearing a belt on a regular basis.
Then I moved to boxers. There was zero transition because boxers have the dick flap too. No problem.
So recently I figured I'd try boxer briefs. They were a comfy fit and very flattering. I thought I had found a new stage in the evolution of my underpants.
Then I went to the bathroom.
And everything came tumbling down around me.
No dick flap.
What?! I thought perhaps I had put them on backwards. Silly me. After a few moments of uncomfortable de-panting in a public stall I learned that, indeed, I did have the damn things on correctly and that, indeed, they had no dick flap.
This was confusing as boxers have dick flaps and briefs have dick flaps. It would make sense that any combination of the two would also possess a dick flap. Was there some recessive gene their offspring inherited? Were the underwear companies aware of this massive mistake? Or maybe I had just purchased an anomaly, a rare set of drawers that made it through quality control without someone noticing the beloved dick flap had been forgotten.
But, no. Every boxer brief I found was sans dick flap.
As I shared with you in the beginning, I stopped going over at 6. And I'm not about to start again a quarter-century later.
So, thank you, boxer briefs, you comfortable and heartless sons of bitches, but I will no longer be needing your services.
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